Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Late Night Snark--now with EZ-GRIP handles:

"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... That was so sweet, because at the reception, President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years."
---David Letterman
-
"It’s going to be a relatively small wedding with only her family’s loved ones---the CEOs of the five major oil companies."
---Jay Leno
-
"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta."
---Seth Meyers
-
"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. 'Aw, that's cute,' said oil."
---Amy Poehler
-
"In a recent speech, Barack Obama said he has visited all 57 states. After hearing this, President Bush said, "Ha Ha! He forgot Alaska and Hawaii."
---Conan O'Brien

And here's one for those who call Democrats out-of-touch elitists:

-
"This is an impressive crowd---the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base."
---George W. Bush
-

Nice tux, oh Man of the People.

Oh, and Barely Political dug up some more (not work-friendly) Bill O'Reilly footage. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 16, 2008

Note:  Just to give you a heads-up: we're going to be out of pocket and out of the grasp of technology all weekend.  So Monday's C&J will be a Special Edition---a look back at May of 2004.  Remember?  John Kerry was looking for a veep, the Abu Ghraib scandal was breaking, John Ashcroft got his Crisco-slathered head handed to him by Greenpeace, and the first same-sex marriage vows were being exchanged in Massachusetts (the locusts were intolerable that day).  Oh, and Bush still had 1,460 days left in office (mercifully, he's down to 248 as of today).  So join us Monday for a trip in the wayback machine.  You WON'T BELIEVE IT!

-

By the Numbers:
Days 'til Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Platinum Edwards Endorsement: 6
Days 'til The Netroots Nation convention in Austin July 17-20: 62
Percent of car buyers who said air conditioning was "essential" in 1985: 16%
Percent of car buyers who say the same thing today: 90%
(Source: USA Today via The Week)
Number of companies left that make pinball machines: 1 (Stern)
(Source: Wired)
Percent of moms who admit they've let themselves go: 89%
(Source: Suave)

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,257
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

-

Puppy Pic of the Day: If only they could vote

-

CHEERS to local journalism.  I will never forgive Republican Senator Susan Collins---who has been falsely dubbed a "moderate" by just about everyone who oughtta know better---for not publicly investigating the blatant war profiteering by KBR, Halliburton, Dyncorp and others when she chaired the Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee.  She provided cover for these companies for years while they screwed our troops left and right, and she should pay this November by losing her job to Democratic congressman Tom Allen.  This week Portland TV station WGME, in today's must-watch story, took five minutes---a boatload of airtime by today's standards---to lay her record bare.  This exchange says it all:

Rep. Tom Allen: A total of 10 letters went to her from the committee asking for oversight on waste, fraud and abuse by Halliburton.  She never subpoenad a single executive or employee...from any of the contractors.  She let them all go.  And the result was they just ripped off the American taxpayer.
Susan Collins: That's absolutely absurd...
Narrator: Collins did hold a hearing---one---in August, 2006, three years after the first requests came in.  And with only one government witness.  So contractors were never asked to do what, for example, FEMA director Michael Brown was forced to do after Katrina...come before the cameras and get grilled.

Flash forward to January, 2009:  "Why yes, Ms. Collins, I would like fries with that. And Super Size it!"

CHEERS to great timing.  Four years ago this month, the first same-sex wedding vows were exchanged in Massachusetts.  And one day ago this month, the California Supreme Court gave the green light to same-sex marriage in that state:

Simply having the California Supreme Court say that constitutional  principles demand that marriage be open to same-sex couples is an enormous win.  This Court has a remarkable history of leadership on civil rights and civil  liberties.  It made landmark decisions on race and sex discrimination, on  freedom of speech and privacy, and on treatment of the disabled and poor people  long before the U.S. Supreme Court.  No court in America has more authority to say  that marriage for same-sex couples is an issue of basic freedom than this one.

If you want to have fun this weekend, walk up to your favorite bigoted right-wingers and inform them that "gay marriage is now legal from coast to coast!  Wear goggles and a poncho---it may get messy when their heads explode.

JEERS to k'nuckleheaded k'neecappers in the Knesset.  C&J is filing this statement by George W. Bush under "Dumbest Things Ever Said" (we've added a few brackets for clarity and context):

"Some [coughBarackObamacough] seem to believe [if you really, really twist what they say out of context] that we should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument [of which I've made none on any subject as president] will persuade them they have been wrong all along.  We have heard this foolish delusion before.  As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator [William Borah, from my own beloved Republican party] declared: 'Lord, if I could only have talked to Hitler, all this might have been avoided.'  We have an obligation to call this what it is---the false comfort of appeasement [which my grandfather practiced himself with Hitler's goons, bringing in gobs of money to my family's fortune].  [Oh, and if I might add: "HehHehHeh."]

And we have an obligation to call those words what they are: factually inaccurate, diplomatically inappropriate, overtly political, unnecessarily inflammatory, and wholly embarrassing.  I'm gonna miss this guy when he's gone.  I get paid by the adverb.

P.S. John McCain v2.006 says we should talk with Hamas.  John McCain v2.008 says we shouldn’t talk with Hamas.  Color me surprised---there really is something less stable than Windows Vista.

CHEERS to heavenly advice.  The housing crunch is affecting so many people that they're getting words of wisdom from an unlikely source: their churches.  For  folks having trouble paying their fixed rate mortgages: Pray.  For folks having trouble paying their subprime mortgages: Pray harder.

JEERS to bad "jokes" badly told.  Oh no he didn’t.  Oh no he didn’t.  Oh no he didn't.  Oh...yes he did:

During a speech before the National Rifle Association convention Friday afternoon in Louisville, Kentucky, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee...joked that an unexpected offstage noise was Democrat Barack Obama looking to avoid a gunman.  "That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he's getting ready to speak," said the former Arkansas governor, to audience laughter. "Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor."

Anyone who doubts evolution...there's your strongest living evidence.

JEERS to four more years.  John McCain "promises" that we'll win the Iraq war and bring our troops home by 2013, which would be the end of his first term and ten years after Shock and Awe.  But...but...  But President Bush---the Greatest War President Evuh---said a timeline for withdrawal "would place freedom and democracy in Iraq at grave risk [and] embolden our enemies."  Why does John McCain hate freedom and love our enemies, Mommy?  Because he's a baaad, baaad man, Billy.

CHEERS to chocolate-vanilla swirl.  Fifty four years ago tomorrow, the U.S. Supreme Court handed down its 9-0 opinion in Brown vs. Board of Education, ending racial segregation in public schools.  And we all lived happily ever after.  (Just nod your head and smile.)

JEERS to rude surprises.  Scientists say that Mars' North Pole is made up of several layers of dust and ice.  Which I guess explains why my radishes never came up.

CHEERS to cool casting.  Has another role been filled for Oliver Stone's Bush biopic, W?  Gosh yes!  Is it a good choice?  Could be.  Is square-jawed Donald Rumsfeld going to be played by square-jawed Scott Glenn?  Heavens, yes!  Are they still looking for someone to play Dick Cheney?  Gracious, Henny Penny, I think so.  Is the perfect choice, according to C&J, Charles Durning?  Golly, that's definitely a "known known."  Of course!

-

One Year Ago in C&J: May 16, 2007...

JEERS to tap-dancing gorillas.  At last night's  Republic Party debate, Mitt Romney insisted we should "Double Guantanamo."  Meanwhile Giuliani and Tancredo cried, "Waterboarding now!  Waterboarding 4 Evuh!"  And then they all wrestled Ron Paul to the ground and shoved bamboo shoots up his fingernails while the cheering audience flicked their Bics.  A low-key affair this time.

JEERS to Jerry Falwell.  Not because he was a right-wing extremist who gained enormous power by bamboozling his ignorant followers.  Not because he twisted the words of The Bible to suit his political aims.  Not because he preached hate in direct opposition to the way Jesus preached love.  Not because he blamed 9/11 on the feminists and the gays.  No, I jeer him today because he died before I could finish knitting him this sweater.  And that's just fucking rude.

-

And just one more...

CHEERS to pictures that say it all.  From cartoonist Rob Tornoe:

Bush: Hey, what'cha got there?

Uncle Sam: Your legacy.  Now watch this drive.

Bottom of the lake.  Nice shot.

-

Have a great weekend.  But if I catch you people appeasing the Nazis again, you are so grounded!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

-